Humor Page: education

A man in the library: "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"

Librarian: "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."

Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."

From the back of the room a small male voice said, "Kristina, Kristina, Kristina, Kristina, Kristina, Kristina, Kristina, Kristina, Kristina, Kristina."

A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?".

The student wrote "This.", signed it, and turned it in.

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

One professor at school (an econ prof) had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were done at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in.

The prof looked at him and said "don't bother to hand that paper in...you get a zero for continuing after the bell."

The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am!!"

The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam"

The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am???"

The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are."

With that, the guy said "good," plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other students exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!!!

What is this?

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A high school teacher was giving a true/false test. He was strolling up and down the aisles surveying the students at work. He came upon one student who was flipping a coin, then writing.

Teacher: What are you doing?

Student: Getting the answers to the test.

The teacher shook his head and walked on. A little while later, when everyone was finished with the test, the teacher noticed the student was again flipping the coin.

Teacher: Now what are you doing?

Student: I'm checking the answers.

Teacher (warning her students against catching cold):
"I had a little brother seven years old and one day he took his sled out when it was too cold. He caught pneumonia and three days later he died."

Silence for ten seconds

Voice from rear: "Where's his sled?"

[child later went on to become an engineer]

Some funny excuse notes written to teachers:

LEESVILLE, La. - "My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today," one parent wrote. "Please execute him."

That death sentence was inadvertently recommended in a note which a parent who was in a hurry or possessed of an uncertain vocabulary wrote to excuse a child's absence from school in Vernon Parish.

Duplicated copies of some of the parish's more astonishing excuse notes were given out at a School Board meeting this month. "Some of them were obviously made up by students," Richard Carter, assistant principal of Leesville High School, said Wednesday. But most, he said, were probably legitimate excuses written by parents in the rural northwest Louisiana parish.

In these samples, names were replaced with either Fred or Mary to protect innocent and guilty alike.

One parent appeared to have taken drastic action: "Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

Another had a more comprehensive request: "Please excuse Fred for being. It was his father's fault."

"Please excuse Fred being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33," wrote a parent who lives by an unusual calendar.

"Mary was absent from school yesterday as she was having a gangover, wrote one who apparently expected the school to be tolerant of social follies

"Mary could not come to school today because she was bother by very close veins," wrote one parent.

"Fred has an acre in his side," said another.

And in an extreme case of people losing things, "Please excuse Fred fro P.E. for a few days. He fell yesterday out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

In a confusion of office work and medical terms, one parent wrote: "Please excuse Mary from Jim yesterday. She is administrating."

And several had a racier tone:

"Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well."

"Please excuse Mary. She has been sick and under the doctor."

How to tell the difference between a University, Polytechnic and a College?

When the lecturer walks in and says "Good Morning" in a University all the students ignore him.

When the lecturer walks in and says "Good Morning" in a College all the students say "Good Morning" back.

When the lecturer walks in and says "Good Morning" in a Polytechnic half the students fall asleep, half the students write it down and one at the back asks "Why?".

Recently saw in a commentary on this thread that the author asked why - if all the Nobel prize winners were foreign - they were in the US?

You make it so easy for us, you see: your educational system is so bad, and your TV is so juvenile, that most of your population is suspended in a perpetual moronic adolescence. So we foreigners come in and run things for you....

A teacher was teaching the colors and their flavors using lollies. She distributed purple lollies to her class and asked, "What flavor is purple?" The class responded, "Grape." She continued this with yellow, green, orange and red. The last lollies distributed were a light yellow-brown (honey flavored). The children were unable to identify the flavor. Teacher suggested, as a clue to its name, "It's what your mother calls your father when he leaves for work in the morning." Little Mary shouted, "Spit it out quick! It's a b*tthead!"

Q: Why don't art students play hide and seek?
A: Because nobody wants to look for them.

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION:
- Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and
- would be sharp and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.

DEPT OF POLITICAL SCIENCES:
- Stand at the top of the stairs and toss all final papers out, the ones closest to the top will get A, and furthest down will get F.

DEPT OF MECHANICAL ENGINEERING:
- Final papers can be blown away will get F.

DEPT OF PHYSICS:
- Final papers cannot block out sunlight completely will get F.

DEPT OF CHEMISTRY:
- Final papers completely burn to ash first will get F.

DEPT OF ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING:
- Students can have any one of these grades:
A (Amper) if they can resist high current.
C (Coulomb) if they get high all the time.
F (Farad) if they eat too much and have too much energy.
W (Watt) if they have power to work.

MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX

Please, don't drink and derive.

Mathematicians
Against
Drunk
Deriving

There's an anti-abortion group on this campus called

STUDENTS FOR LIFE

Hmm, so when are they gonna graduate?

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, guys, they're as*holes!"

Prof. Somebody once taught a class from 2:30pm to 5:30pm. Every time the class met, all the students would have a lot of food on their desks when the class started. During the 5 minutes break, all of them would line a queue at the nearby vending machine. He couldn't understand why these students were hungry all the time, anyway, his class was just after the lunch time and long before dinner time. Prof. Somebody was not happy about this because when they ate, they make a lot of noise. So he announced one day "No food in the class". Next class he found the classroom extremely quiet. Guess what, everybody was dozing because nothing was keeping them awake.