Humor Page: politics

The hottest new political bumper sticker was in New York State:

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put 'em on the rear bumper...

Republicans affixed them to the front bumper.

Late one night around the Capitol Hill, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't.

The pig was killed.

The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About few minutes later the driver staggers back to the car with both hands full of gifts.

"What happened?" asked the President.

"Well," the driver replied "the farmers gave me all these to thank me."

"Oh my, what did you tell them?" asked the President.

The driver replied: "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

A city councilor was giving a speech at his town hall meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry, I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room replied, "There's a calendar behind you ..."

Psalm 1994

Bill Clinton is my shepard, I shall not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories, he restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment, for his budget's sake.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of the breadline, I will fear no hunger.
His compromises and his haircut, they comfort me.
He prepareth a place at the Cabinet table for weak advisors to the laughter of mine enemies.
He annointeth my income with taxes; my expenses runneth over.
Surely poverty and the IRS shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in rented houses forever.

This is supposed to have happened in the election before last: a Conservative candidate was doing a door-to-door canvass to get votes since the date for the general election had been announced and it was campaign time.

At one house, he noticed that the man who answered the door was wearing a very smart suit.

"Are you a businessman, sir?" asked the politician.

"Yes" replied the man.

"Well, under a Conservative government, your business will prosper" declared the politician, "what line of business are you in?"

"I'm an undertaker" replied the man.

Little old lady at US immigration.

OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or subversion?
{Pause for thought}
LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think.

My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?" My husband quickly answered, "Election day."

The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.

The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC.

The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with *our* money!

Flea market products this week end......

1) George Bush wrist watch.........$19.95
Has no hands - must watch the lips.

2) Ross Perot wrist watch..........$ 9.95
Some times it runs - some times it quits.

3) Bill Clinton wrist watch........$ 2.95 +Tax +Tax +Tax +Tax......

Clinton is returning to Washington after a trip, and as he walks down the steps of Air Force One, he is leading a small dog on a leash. The Marine at the bottom of the steps snaps a smart salute.

Marine: "Welcome back home, Mr. President."
Clinton: "Thank you. It's good to be back."
Marine: "Nice dog, sir."
Clinton: "Thanks. I got it for Hillary."
Marine: "Good trade, sir."

The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?

Father2: Shall I open the window?

Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves.

Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?

Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?

Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about "Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"

(Heard on KEX, a radio station here in Portland, Or.)

Bill Clinton's popularity has been declining. In fact Paula Jones now claims she never met the guy.

The following is true; the whole story can be found on p. 101 of the July Scientific American:

S.C. Johnson Corporation, maker of Raid, breeds 80,000 roaches a week to test its products on. It maintains a number of different breeds, including some pesticide-resistant ones. One of the most resistant is called HRDC. These almost unkillable roaches are so named because they were collected from the halls of the House of Representatives in the District of Columbia.

If PRO is the opposite of CON, what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

CONGRESS!

Seen today on a government form:

MOTHER'S NAME (Use maiden name if female):

Clinton calls Democratic Congressman, says "I'd like to campaign for you."

Congressman pauses, says, "I'll be out of town that day."

Clinton says, "I didn't say what day I'm coming."

"It doesn't matter, I'll be out of town." :-)

Speaker's Corner is a traditional sounding off post for 'characters.'
The long-term commie speaker was saying:
"Look at all the posh cars over there. My friends, when the day of liberation comes, every one of you can have a big car like that."

A voice from the back:
"Not me. I like my little VW."
The speaker gets angry:
"My friend, when the day of liberation comes, you will do as you are bloody well told!"

Don't know who made this up, heard it this morning on a local radio station (KROC):
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they're sending their *turkey* to the White House!

The CENSUS TAKER knocked on the door of a backwoods shack. An old timer came out, asking what he wanted.

"The President has sent us across the country to find out how many people live in the United States," the man replied.

"I'm sorry you came all the way out here to ask me," said the hillbilly, "cause I ain't got the faintest idea."

While visiting Iowa State University this week, Dan Quayle observed that the reason for low voter turnout is the difficulty in getting to the poles. Said the Vice President: "Even in this modern age of rapid transit, it can take several days to get to either pole -- North or South."

"We understand the attorneys are having a lot of trouble finding jurors for the Oliver North trial.. They have to locate 12 people that have never heard of the Iran-Contra scandal ...

..... so far, they've only been able to come up with the President."

"In the news, the first debate between Clinton and Dole has been scheduled for September 25th. We are surprised Clinton agreed to this date, since we thought he would want to spend Christmas with his family."

Have you heard of the new Vice-Presidential Junk Bond?

No principle, no interest, no maturity.

Early in the century in south Arkansas three contenders were vying for the office of sheriff. They gathered on the courthouse lawn for the annual evening of political speeches.

One candidate, an amputee, explained to the audience that he had given a leg for the south during the battle at Vicksburg. Another, with an empty sleeve, declared, "My arm lies on the battlefield at Jacksonburg where I fought with Gen. Robert E. Lee!" When it was his time to speak, the third man said, "Folks, I didn't fight in the Civil War, but I was with Teddy Roosevelt when we attacked San Juan. We struggled up that hill, men dying right and left. When we were about 50 feet from the top, Teddy turned to me and said, 'Joe, the man that leads the charge over that hilltop will be president of the United States some day.'" I said, "You go ahead, Teddy.

... All I want is to be the Sheriff of Calhoun County!"

Felix: I don't think George is going to make it as a politician.
Oscar: Why not?
Felix: Well, take that speech he gave yesterday...when he asked if they could hear him in the back and the answer was "no," everyone in front moved to the back!

One day George Bush, Bill Clinton and Bob Packwood decide to visit the Wizard of OZ. After a long travel along the yellow brick road they arrive at the Wizards Palace.

When they meet the Wizard he tells them that they may each have one wish fulfilled. The Wizard asks George Bush what he would like, to which George responds "I would like to have a heart" and a heart is given to him. The Wizard asks Bill Clinton what he would like, to which Bill responds "I would like to have a brain" and a brain is given to him.

The Wizard then asks Bob Packwood what he would like, to which Bob responds "Uhmmmm is Dorothy anywhere around"........

            APPLICATION FOR BECOMING GOVERNOR OF ARKANSAS

First name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________

Address (where you live):______________________________________

Mother's name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________ 

Birthdate(yours):____________________

Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________

Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )

Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck:

                                  Fuzzy Dice( )  Gun Rack( )  Coon Tail( )
                                  
                                  Filled ash tray( )  Dog of Unknown Breed( )

Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )

Wife's name:__________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( )
                   
                                       Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( ) 
			               
				       Right hand( )

Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( )
             
                      Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )

Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )

How much smarter than you is your wife:
		50 IQ Points( )   75 IQ Points( )
		
		100 IQ Points( )  She Won't Tell Me( )

Does your wife wear:
		A Dress( )     Pants( )   Hot Pants( )  
		
		Your Pants( )  Them Lawyer Clothes( )
		
		Nothing( )     Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )

Did you understand the previous questions:
		Yes( )   No( )   What does "previous" mean?( )   
		
		Huh?( )  All of the Above( )

Color of wife's hair:  Blonde( )  Red( )  Brown( )  Black( )  Bald( )

Have you ever: Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( )

               Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( )

               Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( )  

               Inhaled( )

Where was your last Elvis sighting?________________ On what date?___________

Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( )  Past ten: Yes( ) No( )

Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:

___________________________________________________________________________

Signature (or 'X' if you can't write)________________________________