Humor Page: quotes

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.


Dormitory                    Dirty Room
Desperation                  A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code               Here Come Dots
Slot Machines                Cash Lost in 'em
Mother-in-law                Woman Hitler
Semolina                     Is No Meal
A Decimal Point              I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes              That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two              Twelve plus one
Contradiction                Accord not in it

Finally,

President Clinton of the USA

The Anagram:
To copulate he finds interns

Headline

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

What is the difference between frustration and panic?
Frustration is the first time you find you can't do something a second time.
Panic is the second time you find you can't do something the first time.

Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.

Oxymorons:

We are not anticipating any emergencies.

Those who forget this sentence are condemned to reread it.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Act natural.

"This report is filled with omissions."

I can't remember having a more memorable time.

No one goes to that restaurant anymore--it's always too crowded.

By definition, one divided by zero is undefined.

Some key definition:

TRAFFIC LIGHT: apperatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
TELEVISION: movies where people don't step on your feet.
MOVIES: television where people don't interupt with unexpected visits.
TRANSIT COMPANY: group that complains of bad business when all passengers get a seat.
BACHELOR OF SCIENCE: one who has mastered the science of remaining a bachelor.
PIONEER: early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE: some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
LOVE: unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes.
SWIMMING POOL: a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL: the ability to eat only one peanut.
CANNIBAL: person who likes to see other people stewed.
FOREIGN FILM: any movie shown in Texas theatre that isn't a western.
MAGAZINE: bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.

If walking is so good for fitness, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??

Seen on a pizza delivery truck: "WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition"

My wife told me she needed a plastic surgery, so I cut her credit cards into halves.

If we quit voting will they all go away?

Eat right, exercise, die anyway

He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit

I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere

Traffic lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps my kids in touch

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

"Man who keeps to middle of the road...
Get run over from BOTH directions!"

"During the earthquake, Bill's zip code changed three times before he got out of bed.

Question on government questionnaire : "Have you ever committed suicide?"

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

One of the check-out counter has a sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

Its a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there...Confuse the hunters.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.

What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid to worry.

"I ran three miles today....ahh, finially I said,"Lady, take your purse."

I don't know if the death penalty ever stopped anyone from killin', but it stops 'em from killin' again.

The best way to keep teenagers at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of the tires.

I just don't understand women.
Why don't they come with a instruction manual?

A Bible in the hand is worth two on the shelf.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Considering the flames and intolerance, shouldn't USENET be spelled ABUSENET?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Copyright 1995-2002 Southwest Chinese Baptist Church
Last modified: September 11, 2002