Humor Page: traffic and travel

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh Officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am ... that's your air freshener ..."

Long time ago in Hong Kong, most of the taxi-cabs were Mercedes Benzes.

One day, a taxi-driver picked up a Chinese official from Mainland China who seemed rather naive who admited it was his first time to the big city. As they drove, the Chinese officer asked the driver what's the star shaped thing on the hood for?

Deciding to play on the Chinese naivete, the taxi-driver said it's an "aimer" - for running over pedestrians. He then asked the officer if he'd like to see a demonstration?

The officer was eager to see - so the driver accelerated and drove directly at a person crossing the street. At the last moment he swerved so as to miss the pedestrian - but heard a big bang and upon looking in the rear mirror saw the pedestrian lying on the road.

"What happened?!" shouted the taxi driver.

"Well," answered the officer, "I saw you were going to miss him, so - I got him with the door!"

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

There was a young boy who lived about 30 miles from Houston, Texas. He decided he wanted to take a trip into the city by himself so he saved all his money. When he had enough money he asked his mom if he could go. The day he left she packed him a lunch and off he rode on his bike. He had been pedaling for about 30 minutes when a guy in a Corvette drove alongside him.

guy: Where you going?
boy: I'm going to Houston.
guy: That's a long way to have to ride your bike, you want a ride?
boy: YEA, but what about my bike.
guy: Oh, hmm... I know, I have a tow rope in my trunk. I'll tie one end to your handle bars and the other to my bumper. If while I'm driving I go too fast, just ring the bell on your bike and I'll slow down.
boy: Hey, great. Let's go.

Cop radioing ahead to his partner: "Larry, you're not going to believe this. A Corvette and BMW just passed me going 170 mph. They're heading your way, so be ready. And you want to hear the amazing part of it ... there's this little kid on a bike, ringing his bell for all its worth, trying to pass 'em."

I saw this on the back of a van in Rochester:

CAUTION: BLIND MAN DRIVING

On the side of the van (after I passed it to check out the driver):

ROCHESTER VENETIAN BLIND CO.

On a street, where the speed is limited to 30mph the police stops a driver.
-"So then. Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been overtaking where it was not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out... This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name ?"
-"Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic."
-"Hmmmm...eh...well, I'll let you go this time...but don't do it again."

You know you're driving fast when you look in your rear-view mirror and notice the car you just passed has a Domino's delivery guy in it.

Guns don't kill people ...
Driving 40 in the fast lane kills people.

Don't shoot me, I'll move over.

Honk if you're reloading

Cover me, I'm about to change lanes.

Newest sign seen along side the road on the expressway:
Next Exit:
Gas, Food, and Ammo
and:

12 gauge and over use TRUCK ROUTE

RELOADERS use right lane

If you have tried to pick up or drop off passengers at Los Angeles International Airport, this should be familiar to you.

The white zone is for loading and unloading of guns only ... no shooting.

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said,"My God, I've got to give up the drink! Look at the test they're giving now!"

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning I look over to my left and there's this woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I look away for a couple seconds and when I look back she's halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee.

A police officer stops a man driving in the opposite direction in a one way street.
"Didn't you see the arrow ?"
"Arrow ?" the driver, obviously all sauced, replies,"I didn't even see the Indians."

During simultaneous arrivals at 4-way stops, pickup trucks with rifle racks have first right of way......

A comment by the attendant on a PSA flight to LA:

"If you would like to smoke, please feel free to step outside."

Top Bad Experiences when Renting from U-Haul (by Dan Pearl (pearl@sw.stratus.com))

• Tow bar failed. We're still looking for the car.
• "Air-conditioner" was actually a stick-on decal.
• Brakes failed on steep mountain road. When I complained that I was almost killed, they called me a "crybaby".
• Their "one-way" rental truck couldn't shift into reverse.
• They insisted that odometer "wrapped around" -- charged me for 1000120 miles.

This guy in a car is pulled over by a cop for driving through a stop sign. The cop asks the man why he didn't stop, and the man responded "I slowed down; slowing down and stopping are just about the same thing, aren't they?"

The officer proceeds to pick up the man by the collar and beat the man in the face mercilessly with his night stick. While he is doing this, the officer says "Now, do you want me to SLOW DOWN, or do you want me to STOP?"

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.